I just watched He’s just not that into you for the second time; it prompted a provocative conservation regarding how quickly people determine if they are going to sleep with somebody.

A girl friend suggested that she makes the “sleep with” determination upon first meeting a guy.  As she described it to me, she met two guys at a party this weekend and is planning to go out with each of them.  What surprised me is what she said next, “I will sleep with one of them, but probably not the other.”

My surprise is the immediacy of her decision.  Perhaps, she deserves points for not procrastinating.  But, I think what really shocked me at first was to think in terms of women being so crass.

While I’ll admit guys for the most part will try to sleep with any body and everybody at least once, I thought women had more discretion if that’s the word.  My surprise has waned upon further consideration and I guess it makes.

Does it make sense to you?

I conducted a survey of what women find attractive in men.  Universally, women are in agreement that “confidence” is a key variable in the attractiveness equation.  Conversely, lack of confidence and self-deprecation are “deal killers.”

For example, if you take a date to a party undoubtedly the situation will present itself where you and/or your date will talk with other singles.  If you maintain confident behavior this scenario is not a problem.  If however, you say something like “if you want to talk with that person I’m okay and it is not big deal…” you just opened the proverbial flood gates.

Do you think this is reciprocal with men?  I do.

http://twitter.com/private_dating

As an experiment I posted a “personal” ad on Craigslist…OMG!

It actually takes more than a little to offend me, but it was an utterly repugnant experience.

Don’t believe me, give it a try.

I dare you.

I love asking people if money matters to them when it comes to their dating and relationships.  Of course, they say all the right things but they don’t mean it.

We live in a society where money is worshipped; it makes unattractive people attactive.  Don’t get me wrong, this is not a rant rooted in envy I simply don’t like how money influences just about everything, including dating.

Think back to your youth; money was far less important.  Yes, you may have liked someebody in part because they lived in a cool house or drove a cool car, but you would not have overlooked major personality flaws.

Think back to college and money was a thought, but it was still in the future.  The beauty of college was your own personal sexual revolution and you were not dating with money in mind.  Good for us!

Things changed when we graduated.  I remember telling my girlfriend that my priorities were career and financial goals, not her.  Hopefully, you avoided similar blunders.

Say you are in your 30’s, 40’s, and beyond…now money, dating, and relationships are intertwined.  Consider the following random talking points and I welcome your thoughts:

- Most of us will get divorced, hence divorce settlements, hence issues over money and future dating and relationships.
- In dating, behavior around spending makes a tremendous impression and the more generous you are the more attractive you become.
- It cuts both way in that if a woman comes across as fixated on money it is usually a big turn off.

I could go on and on, but suffice to say I think it is sad that money is such a pervasive aspect when it comes to dating and relationships.  The problem seeks to lack a solution, but don’t give up.

Remember, health and wellness are a proxy for wealth.  If you ask me, that is ultimately what makes someone most attractive.

Unless you are just in it for the (I’ll say it) sex, then the early stages of dating will present the challenge of discovery (i.e. getting to know the person behind the facade.)

From vast dating experiences, I have come up with a shortcut to getting at the information I want without making her feel like I’m extracting any personal information at all.

The trick is to fold funny questions into conversations, but making sure it is not perceived as inquiries at all. Any sense of interview hence interrogation is disaster! The key is to ask obscure questions as if you are just trying to make conversation.

I have come up with a few questions, but you should come up with your own. Here are two examples:

Question: have you ever done pilates?

I love this question, because it tells me many things. Not to sound snooty, but if she does not know what pilates is then I know she probably is not of a health and wellness predisposition. If she knows and has actually done pilates it tells me both that she is affluent and committed to some kind of personal fitness.

Question: what is in your fridge?

Responses here give me an idea if she eats at all, eats healthy, eats in or out mostly, likes food, cares whatsoever about nutrition.

I think you get the idea. What do you think?

Use Twitter to network and receive more romantic introductions.

1. Create your Sparkbliss bio and include links such as your Twitter, LinkedIn, and Flickr pages.

2. Create a Tweet which embeds your private Bio URL link to share it with your trusted friends.

3. Ask your Twitter network to play matchmaker for you.

Good luck!

Many people wrongly assume that using an online dating service is the equivalent of throwing in the towel and screaming, “All right already, I’ll do it — I’m desperate!”

Actually, online dating is not for the desperate.

Research shows that more than 40 million Americans (40% of all singles) use online dating services. It has become a very successful way to meet someone who is compatible.

Many online dating services are even hiring psychologists to help with their personality profiles. They want to make sure that they have scientific studies to back their matching programs.

But online dating comes with some particular issues. Here are some simple do’s and don’ts for making online dating easier and more successful.

Rejections.  Don’t take “no” responses from others online personally. You may find that you send a lot of “hello” messages, with no replies. The truth is that some people date online more for entertainment than to meet their soul mate. Also, feel free to say “no” to anyone online. And if you don’t want your profile found by students, colleagues or clients, try one of the private online dating services.

Honesty.  Last week, one Free Press reader shared with me his frustration that the women he met in person did not match their profiles. Some people aren’t honest and don’t post recent photos. But be advised, you need to be truthful when describing yourself. Outright lying just won’t work — it’ll blow up in your face when your date learns you are not 25 or a personal trainer.

Take your time.  Studies show that relationships develop faster online. My advice is to wait at least one week before you meet face-to-face. And, before you meet in person, move the conversation from online to phone. During a phone chat you’ll get a better sense of whether your personalities click.

Safety rules.  There are several rules to remember. First, when you give someone your phone number online, use your cell, rather than your home or work phone. If things don’t work out, cell phone numbers are much easier to change. Next, if you do meet in person, always pick a neutral busy spot like a coffee shop or a mall. Don’t have your date pick you up or drive you home. Also, tell a friend where you are going to meet this person, what time and your date’s name. Finally, don’t drink too much on the first meeting. People seem much more attractive and interesting after a few glasses of wine and it’s easier to say or do something you didn’t plan on doing.

Dr. Terri Orbuch is a marriage and family therapist, Oakland University professor and research professor at the University of Michigan . She also is the host of “The Love Doctor” talk radio program on the VoiceAmerica network. E-mail her at torbuch@freepress.com.

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I have to admit it is quick and easy!

You’ve heard it all before.  60 is the new 50 and 50 the new 40.  It’s no news.

Looking young may be one thing, but feeling and acting it is an entirely different issue. There’s no denying that the frenetic pace that work and society demands can add undue pressures on a person, but ever wonder how it can affect your dating life?

The good news for prime singles is that they’re not alone. According to the American Association of Retired People, there are an estimated 85 million baby boomers in North America, and 30 percent of the boomer population is single. And many, approximately 63% according to a recent A.A.R.P. study, are actively dating.
 
However, the difficulty for boomers re-entering the dating scene is that it’s a totally different playing field than the one to which they are accustomed.  Part of the reason is that marriage is not the top priority for many singles in the fifty plus category, many of whom have lived through divorce and experienced parenthood.  Add to this longer life expectancies, padded savings accounts and technology, and it’s no wonder people’s habits are shifting.

A quick cup of coffee does not seem to cut it anymore at least for candidates who are trying to connect without compromise. Observes single-living lifestyle expert, Sherri Langburt: “Singles in the 50+ set are more active and vibrant than ever before and are seeking companions who share that sense of adventure and spirit.” 

How to enhance your prospects:  All is fair in love and war but how can you maximize your dating efforts and returns, in a time when age is just a number? 

Take a Cue from Celebrities: First comes marriage, and at 60 comes fatherhood. It’s easy to pass judgment on celebrities but it’s those famous folks, like Michael Douglas, who have paved the way for the rest of us in proving that new beginnings are possible for everyone. Remember if you move forward with faith (and good planning), love can happen at any age.
 
Learn How to Break Boundaries: Women dating younger; men allowing themselves to be courted. These are just a couple of ways which demonstrate how far we have come. If you want to take control of your love life, do away with the rule book on which you were raised and keep an open mind and willing heart.
 
Do What Feels Good to You: Self-awareness is one of the greatest benefits that comes with maturity, and with that comes the knowledge of your likes and dislikes. Relationships surely require compromise, but it’s important to be true to what satisfies you. So if going to the opera or hitting the gym is what you like to do, then keep doing it! Leading a more fulfilled life will result in a happier you and open the possibility of meeting a like-minded mate.
 
Embrace New Channels: One in three unmarried boomers are trying to hook up through online personals and dating sites because they can meet people with similar interests, according to a recent study by the Leger Marketing survey. So if you’ve tried everything, including continuing education courses, volunteering, professional networking groups and social clubs, yet haven’t had much luck, then it’s time to go online to expand your search. Internet dating services may seem scary at first but matchmaking sites can open up a whole new world of opportunity for lovelorn singles.
 
Plan Properly: Now even though we all have our own, or know of standard go-to date spots, some people may want something more exciting than a cup of coffee, so try to get to know your audience. You should choose a place/activity that is conducive to talking - - save the movies, loud bars or concerts for later. Wine, cheese, piano or museum bars are all great choices. If dinner is an option, try to select a casual and comfortable place, where you can enjoy small bites such as Spanish Tapas or Greek Mezzes. And don’t be too fast to rule out the day-date. A long walk in a scenic setting followed by lunch at an outdoor cafe can seal the deal for your second date!

 [For singles who know there's life beyond dating, SingleEdition.com offers a lifestyle destination that embraces the culture of single living.]